Day Two hundred and seventy-six

How is it possible to feel so alone when I am in a group? There are so many times when I feel like I am invisible. I wish I was sometimes.

Grief is sneaky. I was doing pretty ok the last couple of days. Then today....boom. It smacked me upside the head. I can't figure out what caused it to rear it's head. If I could find the right words to describe how I'm feeling I think it would help.

Sorry for such a bummer post. I just don't have it in me today to try and be positive.

Day Two hundred and seventy-five

90 days. 90 DAYS!! I can't believe we are down to double digits. Only 81 more days until the single digit countdown.

I'm going to use today's post to be intentional about being thankful. I've been focusing too much on the bummer things lately. Even though things have been really hard; I know that God has been good.

"Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; His love endures forever." 1 Chronicles 16:34

1. Hearing the sounds of my girls laughing instead of fighting.
2. Chris arriving back to his base safely.
3. A friend who thinks of me every day and texts me every morning to tell me so.
4. Seeing God's goodness in my dad's last days.
5. Dancing with the girl's and their friends in the kitchen.
6. Eating tomatoes that I grew myself.
7. The opportunity to breathe this week and not be going 100 miles per hour.
8. Zoe telling me, "I yove you"
9. Going to the movies on Tuesday morning as a whole family.
10. Having an 11 year old who still loves to get and give hugs and kisses to her parents.

Day Two hundred and seventy-four

It's Friends Friday!!~~The Harmon house has been taken over by kids. 7 young girls to be exact. The girls haven't had the chance to hang out with their friends much this summer, so tonight I'm trying to make it up to them. We are starting off with a sleepover with a couple of their friends. Next week Grace and Ruby are taking a trip to Texas to visit their aunts and uncles and Addie has plans for more friends and more sleepovers.

Here's a peak at our day: Games, music, dancing, homemade pizza, laughter, popcorn and M&M's, movies and hopfully sleep at some point.

Guitar Hero!

G rockin' guitar

G's new friend Abbie being silly.

Addie can run but she can't
hide from my camera!

Taylor, Courtney and Grace

Friends!!

Addie and Leah

Friends!!

Day Two hundred and seventy-three

Sometimes the best things happen when you don't plan them. My day ended with a wonderful conversation with a sweet friend over raspberry lemonade, bbq wings and onion rings. Love you Mary Beth. Thank you for letting me share my story with you. Thank you for listening and loving me.

"Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord." 2 Peter 1:2

Day Two hundred and seventy-two

Wordless Wednesday~~Randomness!!

Hair ninjas

Beautiful Rey

Beautiful AJ

Beautiful G

Cousins

Harmon, Jacobs, and Tucker

SFC and Mrs. Harmon

Day Two hundred and seventy-one

This evening we dropped Chris of at the airport to go back to Afghanistan. I'm so ready to NOT have to drop him off and say goodbye. I'm ready to stop having to do the drive home from the airport feeling deflated and sad. All I can say is 3 more months!!

Day Two hundred and seventy

Sittin' on the couch with my man cuddlin' and watchin' T.V. I couldn't ask for a better night.
Can't wait until October so we can do this again. Now if you will excuse me, I can't type and hold hands at the same time.

Day Two hundred and sixty-nine

Last night I got an idea for a post from my fellow Diva, Elyzabeth. So tonight, this one's for you Diva Jacobs!!

Enchanting
Lovable
Younger than me
Zesty
Awesome
Boisterous
Effervescent
Terrific
Hottie

Day Two hundred and sixty-eight

We just got home from a very long day. We are all sleepy and a bit on the crabby side--especially my 2nd oldest daughter. Holy cow that girl can scream when she is overtired. I'll have to admit that she does take a little after me. When it's late and I have fallen asleep in the car on the way home, I turn into a VERY grouchy Mama! With that being said, I am going to take my crabby tired self to bed. Good night.

Day Two hundred and sixty-seven

I'm posting early today because I have a MOPS leadership retreat tonight through tomorrow.

Mixed emotions seems to be the theme of my life lately. I want to go tonight, but I also just want to stay home and go to bed. I want to spend some time with the MOPS girl's but I also just want to be alone and go to bed. I want to go and giggle and be silly, but I also just want to mope and go to bed. 

A couple of things that are certain is that I know there will be better days coming, I won't always feel this way and God will always be faithful.

"I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow." Jeremiah 31:13b

A sweet friend texted me this morning and told me, "The scriptures from Joshua come to mind. God tells him 3x to 'be strong and courageous' -not on his own power, but because GOD is with him. The same God is with you today." She is right. I don't have to do this all on my own and with my own strength. He is right there with His open arms waiting for me to come to Him and get the strength I need. So why is it so hard to just let go when I know it's God I'm surrendering the hurt to? Why must I try and do it on my own? She then went on to say, "I know it makes sense to not let things get messy. But God shows us time and time again that He wants to get IN the mess with us and bring healing-we just have to let Him."
Once again she is right on. It's easier said than done, but she is right.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”  Joshua 1:9

Day Two hundred and sixty-six

Uh oh. I've been getting used to Chris being home. What on earth am I going to do when he leaves again? Not only will I have the emptiness of him being gone but the fact that my dad is gone as well will hit home harder. With Chris here there is a distraction from the sadness and grief.

I'm sure I will find other ways to distract myself. Like actually spend time with the girls--I've been told many times that I "never do anything fun anymore" I think they would appreciate it if I make them dinner that doesn't include the words "fend for yourself", "whatever you can find", "nugget", or "ramen"-if I can find the gumption again. Chris has been doing most of the cooking since he as been home. I am so thankful for him! Figure out when school starts--I knew at one point but know that info has disappeared from my brain along with countless other things. Sort through the girls clothes so I know what's actually clean vs. dirty and what fits and what doesn't. Start school supply shopping. Which brings me back to...When does school start again?

I know another "woe is me" post. Sorry.

Day Two hundred and sixty-five

Wordless Wednesday~~Schlitterbahn!

Starting our day.

Corbin and Addie

Chris was taking our picture but he was there :0)

Feeding the masses

Addie+ribs=love

Addie loves her ribs!

Grace+wings=love

Yummy wings!

If you didn't notice today is day 265, only 100 more days to go!!  I hope they go faster than the previous 265. I am ready for our life to go back to some semblance of normalcy. Can I get an amen from my Double D's?

Day Two hundred and sixty-four

Spending time with my hubby, my 2 older girls, and great close family friends at a water park screams FUN!!!! We left bright and early yesterday morning. Swam and splashed until 7:30pm. Scrafed down an awesome dinner at Cheeseburger in Paradise. Made our way home to bed by 1:30am. Long but fun day.

Thank you so much Cathy/Grammy and John/Papa for an amazingly fun day on our 2nd annual trip to Schlitterbahn!! We all needed some time away from the stresses of the last few months.

Thank you so much Tiff and Tina for keeping the 2 little girls so we could go. Tiff, I appreciate your willingness to take more kids into your already kid-filled home. Tina, thank you for getting up so early and staying so late waiting for us to get home. You ladies are THE best!!!

Day Two hundred and sixty-three

We had a family day today at Schlitterbahn in KC. I hope pictures will be ready to post tomorrow. Good night.

Day Two hundred and sixty-two

Our day at the lake~~Thank you Clements for inviting us out to spend the evening with you all.

Just floatin'

Sam, Grace and Jac

Grace, Ethan and Jac

Ethan and Addie jumping off the dock.

Ethan and Addie landing.

Ready....1...2...3...

Go!!!!

The landing. Addie hit first.

That's my girl.

Swimmin'

Chris and Andy

Zoe's face after eating the yummiest

brownie ever. She's serious about her

chocolate. There was even some in

her hair and ear.

Two hundred and sixty-one

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

[2x]
My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine

This song was sung at my dad's memorial service. It speaks volumes of my dad's life.

Dad,

   A few weeks ago you asked me if I thought you would be going to heaven. We talked about your personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I assured you that based on your relationship heaven would be waiting for you. I think the real reason you asked me that was you knew your past and was wondering if God could really forgive you.

   I've been learning a lot about grace and mercy the past couple of months. While I don't know if I will ever grasp it completely, I do know that God loves to lavish His grace and mercy upon those who are repentant. Dad, I have seen your repentant spirit more in the last month then I have ever seen it in the past. And having the past reconciled not only freed you but it provided freedom for me, mom, Janis and Jeremiah.

   Just like I told you a few days before you passed, I really do believe your parents would be so proud of you and the way you made things right with us. Their prayers were answered.

   Dad, I wish I would have been better at verbilizing this before you went to heaven. As you know, having these kind of converations never came easy for us. I hope you heard me talking to you the day you died as I held your hand. I hope you heard me say how thankful I was to be able to be there with you, how much I appreciated all that you taught me and cared for me-even when I didn't always understand the way you showed it. I hoped you heard me tell you that I loved you and that I knew that you really love me. Did you hear me tell you that you fought such a long and hard fight and that it was ok to go ahead and let go and let God take you?

   I am so relieved for you. You are truly free. No more cancer. No more pain. I don't think cancer won this battle. I believe God saw that you were growing weary of the struggle and called the fight. He wanted you home so He could show you just how much He loved you.

   I love you Dad and I miss you. Please give Grandpa, Grandma and Uncle Larry great big hugs for me.

Love always,

Sammy

  

  





Day Two hundred and sixty

Just got home from a very long, hard, and tear-filled day. Today was my dad's memorial service. I'm just too worn out to talk about it. So I will bid you adieu and good night and hopefully I can write about it tomorrow.

Day Two hundred and fifty-nine

Instead of boring you with yet another bummer post about how hard it's been for me lately, I am just going to fill this one with photos. Trust me this is better for both of us.

My Double D's

I love these women!!

Just being silly :p

3 of my sweet girls.

This face makes even the hardest

day better.

Well, look what I found on my

camera. Someone's been eating

my birthday Twizzlers.

Eden Finley it's a good thing your cute!

Day Two hundred and fifty-eight

Wordless Wednesday~~

Happy 15th Anniversary to my Wonderful Husband!!!!

My love for you grows each year we are together. God has blessed me with you. You love me despite of my flaws and you make me feel beautiful. Thank you for choosing me. I love you!!!

Our Wedding day

Us today

My man and the roses he gave me.

Despite what you see here,

he really does like my kisses.

**sorry the photos aren't very sharp. I took them with my iPod.

Day Two hundred and fifty-seven

I feel like I must apologize for being a bit harsh in yesterday's post. Maybe I should have picked a different outlet for venting. I'm sorry. With all of the emotions that are running through my life right now, the guard over my lips slipped. I was feeling a bit pushed to my limit of dealing with other people's choices, but I could have chosen to be the bigger person and held my tongue in such a public place.

Today was a better day. My sister, brother and I meet with the pastor doing Dad's memorial service. Then we decided on songs and pictures to be used in a slide show. I liked looking back on the old photos of him and us together. Things seemed so much more simple and normal. I saw glimpses of happiness that haven't been there for a while. I also saw my children in the faces of my younger self, my sister, my brother, mom and dad. I love that connection.

We still have more things to finish working on in order to be ready for the service on Friday. So many things to hurry up and get done. When will rest come? The only thing I see coming is more of the sinking in that my dad is no longer here.

Day Two hundred and fifty-six

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”  Matthew 11:28-30

Today has been a struggle. I don't understand the insensitivity of some people. And I don't like how hyper-sensitive I am. Those two obstacles don't mix well at all. It's hard enough to get through the day with 4 girls wanting your attention at all times, feeding and taking care of them and the house. Then I have to add on getting things ready for my dad's funeral, taking care of his finances, and let's not forget actually grieving over his passing. I wish people understood that and acted accordingly.

Oh well, it's a good thing the Lord is ALWAYS faithful. He never tires of doing good. He understands my heart and knows my deepest needs.

"Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail." Lam. 3:22

Day Two hundred and fifty-five

"Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy." Ps. 126:5

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book." Ps.56:8

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." Isaiah 61:1-3

I need to keep reminding myself that God knows my sadness, hears my crying, comforts my heart and wipes my tears. When I don't focus on His goodness, I find myself hiding from the people around me. Many times over the last few long days I have just wanted to retreat to my room and just be alone. Interacting with others takes a lot of energy.

God has shown more of His goodness by allowing Chris to come home on emergency leave this afternoon. His arrival this time felt so much different. The excitment from last time was replaced by relief. Having his strong and comforting arms embrace me provided the solace I so badly needed.

Day Two hundred and fifty-four

While it was nice to be home all day today, the reality of my dad passing is setting in deep and hard. I keep wanting to call and see how he is doing. Hear his voice. My planning mind is confused. It's wondering why I am not struggling to figure out childcare for the girls so I can go and visit with him. My whole world has changed in a matter of days and I don't like it.

Day Two hundred and fifty-three

Tired. Both emotionally and physically. Planning. Grieving. Lots of phone calls. Decisions made. More decision left to make. Waiting for breathing room. That's all I can do today.

Day Two hundred and fifty-two

I'm writing this post with mix emotions. Sadness. Grief. Relief. Peace.

This morning my dad went into the presence of Jesus and was transformed into a whole cancer-free man. I was blessed to be able to be with him and hold his hand during his last breaths.

Most of you will never know or understand the depth of which God's amazing grace has been at work in the lives of me, my Dad and my family. It's a story that I thought would never have a happy ending. It astonishes me how God can take a really hard situation and make it in to something beautiful.

I love you Dad,
xoxoxo Sammy

Day Two hundred and fifty-one

Wordless Wednesday~~4th of July!!

This one's for you Chris!! We really

missed you.

Keylee and Zoe~bathing beauties

Some one's "baa-bum"

Diapers and swimming pools don't mix.

My sweet Gracie.

Grace and Ted making a

dry ice bomb.

Before

After

Addie and my niece ReyAnna

Grammy and Zoe. Z didn't like

the loud bangs.

Grace and my nephew Tenzin.

Niece Elah, Keylee and Ruby.

Tenzin, Grace and smoke bombs.

Skyping with friends from Texas.

This bald head was just screaming for

a tattoo!! Thanks B for being game.

Zoe and my grandma Judy.

Janis, me and Jeremiah sending off a

lantern in honor of our Dad.

We love you Dad/Papa!