Today marks the half way point!! I'm excited yet detached. I'm thrilled yet anxious.
Yes, the girls, Chris and I have survived through 1/2 of this long journey, BUT we still have 1/2 to go. It feels like it's taken forever to get to this point AND I still have another forever to go. If I could have a choice I would choose not to have to do this for another 182/183 days. At least starting tomorrow I can say, "I have less days until Chris comes home, then its been since he left" (compared to how many he has been gone) Does that make sense? I am so tired right now I can barely get words out.
Hooray for half way!! Hooray for a God who is the same yesterday, today and forever!!
Today has been a great day. God knew I needed a day like today. Impromptu play date+BBQ with great friends=a full heart. Tonight I am going to bed exhausted due to blessings instead of burdens.
Thank you God for caring for me today. Thank you for taking the time to plan a day just for me that would bring me such joy and peace. Amen
"... being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6
Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Day One hundred and eighty-two
I've had a lot on my mind these last few days. So many thoughts; random, connected, rational, unreasonable, reflective and absurd. I'm just going to start typing and see where things go.
As I have posted in the past, my dad is terminally ill with stage 4 liver cancer. He was working and functioning pretty close to normal when Chris left in October. In February, things started going down hill due to an increase in pain and tumor growth. A few weeks ago my siblings and I moved him into a hospice facility. While we all help out in doing what we can to help him, I have been given the responsibility (by him) to manage his financial things. I have had to take over his checkbook~~actually I needed to because it was such a wreck and he was getting confused. I need to make sure his bills are up to date and that they stay up to date. Meanwhile, as I am trying to make sense of his money issues, he is trying so hard to stay in control of them. This has made for a very difficult transition period.
It's so hard to see a parent not being able to do the things they used to be able to do. It's hard to be treated like a little child when I am the mother of 4. It's hard to be given so much responsibility but still not be trusted. It's hard to watch a parent mentally and phycially deteriorate. It's hard not to know if their behavior is due to that deterioration, their high doses of medicine to ease their pain, or just their true self coming out. It's hard not to have an overwhelming sense of love for a person who is your father because of the rough past you lived through. It's hard to have my dad call me no less than 10x a day because he gets obsessed over things. It's hard to follow God's call to honor our parents.
I know there are not very many people who can understand "the why" behind the reasons I feel the way I do. It has been really challenging to not let that fact bother me. I have to keep reminding myself that the only one I have to answer to is The One.
Dear God,
I am praying for strength. Big God-sized strength to get through this time with my dad. Father God, You have always been with me and protected me. You know my past and You know what my future will bring. Thank you for Your overflowing mercy towards me, because I now have some to give. In Your precious name, Amen
And holy cow!! That is only a small snipet of what has been going on in my mind. I wish I could take a vacation from my brain from time to time.
As I have posted in the past, my dad is terminally ill with stage 4 liver cancer. He was working and functioning pretty close to normal when Chris left in October. In February, things started going down hill due to an increase in pain and tumor growth. A few weeks ago my siblings and I moved him into a hospice facility. While we all help out in doing what we can to help him, I have been given the responsibility (by him) to manage his financial things. I have had to take over his checkbook~~actually I needed to because it was such a wreck and he was getting confused. I need to make sure his bills are up to date and that they stay up to date. Meanwhile, as I am trying to make sense of his money issues, he is trying so hard to stay in control of them. This has made for a very difficult transition period.
It's so hard to see a parent not being able to do the things they used to be able to do. It's hard to be treated like a little child when I am the mother of 4. It's hard to be given so much responsibility but still not be trusted. It's hard to watch a parent mentally and phycially deteriorate. It's hard not to know if their behavior is due to that deterioration, their high doses of medicine to ease their pain, or just their true self coming out. It's hard not to have an overwhelming sense of love for a person who is your father because of the rough past you lived through. It's hard to have my dad call me no less than 10x a day because he gets obsessed over things. It's hard to follow God's call to honor our parents.
I know there are not very many people who can understand "the why" behind the reasons I feel the way I do. It has been really challenging to not let that fact bother me. I have to keep reminding myself that the only one I have to answer to is The One.
Dear God,
I am praying for strength. Big God-sized strength to get through this time with my dad. Father God, You have always been with me and protected me. You know my past and You know what my future will bring. Thank you for Your overflowing mercy towards me, because I now have some to give. In Your precious name, Amen
And holy cow!! That is only a small snipet of what has been going on in my mind. I wish I could take a vacation from my brain from time to time.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Day One hundred and eighty-one
Wordless Wednesday~~Easter Pictures
Dying Easter eggs
Grace
Zoe's egg. See Daddy!
G's creations
Our finished products.
Egg Hunt!
Tenzin the Great Egg Hunter
Tenzin, Buddy and Elah Bean the Fairy
Success!
Ruby's idea of the perfect
Easter Egg Hunting ensemble.
Elah's cheesy egg grin.
My sister, Janis.
Her daughter, Taylor.
My mom, Darlene.
Z and Aunt JJ
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Day One hundred and eighty
Here I am sitting on my couch with my laptop wondering what I should say. Should I proclaim the faithfulness of God? Should I complain about being lonely? Is it possible to be feeling both at the same time? 'Cause I am. Maybe I am just not thankful enough or I'm not relying on God enough. I just can't seem to shake this feeling.
Then I think about how God brought Chris and I together. He saw how we needed each other. How we could make each other better by being connected than we could be on our own. God, in His wisdom, guided our paths so they would intersect. So it's natural for me to want, miss, need, and desire to be near my husband. Just wish I could actually be near him now.
Since I can't change this season in our marriage, I have to find a way to make due, endure, and come out stronger on the other side. The only way I can do that is to put my faith in God. Use His strength to get me through each day, hour, minute and second. I have to trust that God's ways are higher than my own. He knows what tomorrow will bring and I do not. And while that drives me totally crazy, I will keep trusting. I will keep believing that His plans for me are ones that are for my benefit and for my good.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
"Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails."
Proverbs 19:21
Chris,
I miss you so much. We are almost to the half-way point~~only 3 more days until we can start the down hill side of this journey.
You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. (a side from my relationship with God, of course) Knowing you love me makes this time bareable. Thank you for working so hard, for giving your all to our country, and for loving me with your actions. There are so many days when I don't deserve your love, but you love me anyway.
I love you!
Me
Then I think about how God brought Chris and I together. He saw how we needed each other. How we could make each other better by being connected than we could be on our own. God, in His wisdom, guided our paths so they would intersect. So it's natural for me to want, miss, need, and desire to be near my husband. Just wish I could actually be near him now.
Since I can't change this season in our marriage, I have to find a way to make due, endure, and come out stronger on the other side. The only way I can do that is to put my faith in God. Use His strength to get me through each day, hour, minute and second. I have to trust that God's ways are higher than my own. He knows what tomorrow will bring and I do not. And while that drives me totally crazy, I will keep trusting. I will keep believing that His plans for me are ones that are for my benefit and for my good.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
"Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails."
Proverbs 19:21
Chris,
I miss you so much. We are almost to the half-way point~~only 3 more days until we can start the down hill side of this journey.
You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. (a side from my relationship with God, of course) Knowing you love me makes this time bareable. Thank you for working so hard, for giving your all to our country, and for loving me with your actions. There are so many days when I don't deserve your love, but you love me anyway.
I love you!
Me
Monday, April 25, 2011
Day One hundred and seventy-nine
"I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip—He who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, He who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD watches over you—the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep you from all harm—He will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." Ps. 121
My sister-in-law from Texas called me today. She read Psalms 121 to me. It made me cry.
Thank you Rachael for your phone call today. I appreciate knowing you are thinking and praying for us. I love you.
My sister-in-law from Texas called me today. She read Psalms 121 to me. It made me cry.
Thank you Rachael for your phone call today. I appreciate knowing you are thinking and praying for us. I love you.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Day One hundred and seventy-eight
I've been thinking a lot about hands today. God formed the world with His hands. He's got the whole world in His hands. Healing in His hands. Jesus' hands nailed to the cross.
I miss Chris' hands.
Chris' hands are strong yet gentle, reassuring, warm, soothing, capable, and safe.
My hand feels so empty. It's longingly aching to reach out and hold Chris' hand. All during church today I had to fight the urge to grab my friend Lisa's hand next to me because of my need to hold on to my hubby's hand. I find myself actually reaching out beside me to grab his hand. I miss the closeness, the warmth of his skin and the security I feel when I am holding on to him.
Just one more simple thing that I took for granted when he was home.
I miss Chris' hands.
Chris' hands are strong yet gentle, reassuring, warm, soothing, capable, and safe.
My hand feels so empty. It's longingly aching to reach out and hold Chris' hand. All during church today I had to fight the urge to grab my friend Lisa's hand next to me because of my need to hold on to my hubby's hand. I find myself actually reaching out beside me to grab his hand. I miss the closeness, the warmth of his skin and the security I feel when I am holding on to him.
Just one more simple thing that I took for granted when he was home.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Day One hundred and seventy-seven
It would be nice if I had something profound to say tonight, but I don't. I know that it is by grace that I have been saved. I did nothing to deserve Christ's sacrifice on the cross. Even if I tried my best every day for the rest of my life to earn His love, grace and redemption, I would fall short. When I see a failure in the mirror, God sees someone He wants to spend eternity with. So He sent His Son to the cross to die for me. He says I am worth every drop of blood Jesus shed.
"For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God's glorious standard. Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when He freed us from the penalty for our sins. For God presented Jesus as the sacrifice for sin. People are made right with God when they believe that Jesus sacrificed His life, shedding His blood. this sacrifice shows that God was being fair when He held back and did not punish those who sinned in times past, for He was looking ahead and including them in what He would do in the present time. God did this to demonstrate His righteousness, for He Himself is fair and just, and He declares sinners to be right in His sight when they believe in Jesus. Can we boast, then that we have done anything to be accepted by God? No, because our acquittal is not based on obeying the law. It is based on faith." Romans 3:23-27 NLT
"For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God's glorious standard. Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when He freed us from the penalty for our sins. For God presented Jesus as the sacrifice for sin. People are made right with God when they believe that Jesus sacrificed His life, shedding His blood. this sacrifice shows that God was being fair when He held back and did not punish those who sinned in times past, for He was looking ahead and including them in what He would do in the present time. God did this to demonstrate His righteousness, for He Himself is fair and just, and He declares sinners to be right in His sight when they believe in Jesus. Can we boast, then that we have done anything to be accepted by God? No, because our acquittal is not based on obeying the law. It is based on faith." Romans 3:23-27 NLT
Friday, April 22, 2011
Day One hundred and seventy-six
The following are excerpts from The Jesus Storybook Bible. I love this book. The author, Sally Lloyd-Jones, has an amazing way with words that gets right to the emotion of the story. Even though it is a children's book, I am getting to know Jesus more personally.
"....this is how God will rescue the whole world. My life will break and God's broken world will mend. My heart will tear apart-and your will heal. Just as the passover lamb died, so now I will die instead of you. My blood will wash away all of your sins. And you'll be clean on the inside-in your hearts."~~Jesus to His disciples during the Last Supper
" 'Papa! Father!' Jesus cried. And He fell to the ground. 'Is there any other way to get Your children back? To heal their hearts? To get rid of the poison?'
But Jesus knew- there was no other way. All the poison of sin was going to have to go into His heart.
God was going to pour into Jesus' heart all the sadness and brokenness in people's hearts. He was going to pour into Jesus' body all the sickness in people's bodies. God was going to have to blame His son for everything that had gone wrong. It would crush Jesus.
But there was something else, something even more horrible. When people ran away from God, they lost God-it was what happened when they ran away. Not being closes to God was like a punishment. Jesus was going to take that punishment.
Jesus knew what that meant. He was going to lose His Father-and that, Jesus knew, would break His heart in two."~~Jesus in the garden
"They nailed Jesus to the cross. People shouted, 'If you were really the Son of God, you could just climb down off that cross!' And of course they were right. Jesus could have just climbed down. Actually, He could have just said a word and made it all stop....But Jesus stayed.
You see, they didn't understand. It wasn't the nails that kept Jesus there. It was love."
'Papa?' Jesus cried, frantically searching the sky. 'Papa? Where are You? Don't leave Me!'
And for the first time-and the last-when He spoke, nothing happened. Just a horrible, endless silence. God didn't answer. He turned away from His Boy.
Tears rolled down Jesus' face. The face of the One who would wipe away every tear from every eye.
Even though it was midday, a dreadful darkness covered the face of the world. The sun could not shine. The earth trembled and quaked. The great mountain shook. Rocks split in two. Until it seemed that the whole world would break. That creation itself would tear apart.
The full force of the storm of God's fierce anger at sin was coming down. On His own Son. Instead of His people. It was the only way God could destroy sin, and not destroy His children whose hearts were filled with sin.
Then Jesus shouted out in a loud voice, 'It is finished!'
And it was. He had done it. Jesus had rescued the whole world."
To be continued....
"....this is how God will rescue the whole world. My life will break and God's broken world will mend. My heart will tear apart-and your will heal. Just as the passover lamb died, so now I will die instead of you. My blood will wash away all of your sins. And you'll be clean on the inside-in your hearts."~~Jesus to His disciples during the Last Supper
" 'Papa! Father!' Jesus cried. And He fell to the ground. 'Is there any other way to get Your children back? To heal their hearts? To get rid of the poison?'
But Jesus knew- there was no other way. All the poison of sin was going to have to go into His heart.
God was going to pour into Jesus' heart all the sadness and brokenness in people's hearts. He was going to pour into Jesus' body all the sickness in people's bodies. God was going to have to blame His son for everything that had gone wrong. It would crush Jesus.
But there was something else, something even more horrible. When people ran away from God, they lost God-it was what happened when they ran away. Not being closes to God was like a punishment. Jesus was going to take that punishment.
Jesus knew what that meant. He was going to lose His Father-and that, Jesus knew, would break His heart in two."~~Jesus in the garden
"They nailed Jesus to the cross. People shouted, 'If you were really the Son of God, you could just climb down off that cross!' And of course they were right. Jesus could have just climbed down. Actually, He could have just said a word and made it all stop....But Jesus stayed.
You see, they didn't understand. It wasn't the nails that kept Jesus there. It was love."
'Papa?' Jesus cried, frantically searching the sky. 'Papa? Where are You? Don't leave Me!'
And for the first time-and the last-when He spoke, nothing happened. Just a horrible, endless silence. God didn't answer. He turned away from His Boy.
Tears rolled down Jesus' face. The face of the One who would wipe away every tear from every eye.
Even though it was midday, a dreadful darkness covered the face of the world. The sun could not shine. The earth trembled and quaked. The great mountain shook. Rocks split in two. Until it seemed that the whole world would break. That creation itself would tear apart.
The full force of the storm of God's fierce anger at sin was coming down. On His own Son. Instead of His people. It was the only way God could destroy sin, and not destroy His children whose hearts were filled with sin.
Then Jesus shouted out in a loud voice, 'It is finished!'
And it was. He had done it. Jesus had rescued the whole world."
To be continued....
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Day One hundred and seventy-five
I don't even know what to say. I've been thinking a lot about the whole failure thing. Just when I think I have a good grasp on it, something else happens. I guess it takes time for a new way of thinking to become natural.
Thank you Krew Leader and Lisa (on Facebook) for leaving comments. It's nice to know you are reading.
I really miss Chris. Wouldn't it be great if this was all a bad dream and tomorrow when I wake up and roll over, Chris will be there snoring away! It's crazy I know, but I even miss that man's annoying snoring. Can you tell just how desperate I am to have him home. The loneliness is unbearable at times. Even painful. I am so used to him being here involved in the day to day running of the family. He is my second pair of hands, my support beam, and my rock. When he is gone it disrupts everything. Everyday I have to figure out how to accomplish what used to take the 2 of us all on my own. It's all on me. I am spread so thin and can only do so much. No wonder I feel like I am a failure.
Thank you Krew Leader and Lisa (on Facebook) for leaving comments. It's nice to know you are reading.
I really miss Chris. Wouldn't it be great if this was all a bad dream and tomorrow when I wake up and roll over, Chris will be there snoring away! It's crazy I know, but I even miss that man's annoying snoring. Can you tell just how desperate I am to have him home. The loneliness is unbearable at times. Even painful. I am so used to him being here involved in the day to day running of the family. He is my second pair of hands, my support beam, and my rock. When he is gone it disrupts everything. Everyday I have to figure out how to accomplish what used to take the 2 of us all on my own. It's all on me. I am spread so thin and can only do so much. No wonder I feel like I am a failure.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Day One hundred and seventy-four
Wordless Wednesday~~ I am so glad today is Wednesday because I can't find the right words to say what I am feeling and going through. So I will spare you the misery of hearing me ramble and show you some fun photos of Addie and her friend L and their crazy sleepover.
So cute!
The girls jamming to PureNRG.
Rock On L!!
You can't really tell from this picture
but Zoe was dancing with her baby
and puppy.
Conga!
Ok, so this has nothing to do with
Addie and her friend. Ruby drew this picture
of me and her. I love it!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Day One hundred and seventy-three
~~Happy 5th Birthday Ruby Ann Catherine!!~~
Your bright eye's light up every room you walk into. Your smile and laughter are contagious. I love how much you put into living life every day. You're a drama queen, a cuddle bug, a silly goose, daddy's "stinky head", and my sweet princess. May you always know how much daddy and I love you, but even more may you forever know and accept God's love and grace.
Your bright eye's light up every room you walk into. Your smile and laughter are contagious. I love how much you put into living life every day. You're a drama queen, a cuddle bug, a silly goose, daddy's "stinky head", and my sweet princess. May you always know how much daddy and I love you, but even more may you forever know and accept God's love and grace.
Our first cuddle.
The Harmon 5
Don't you just want to kiss her!
Daddy's chest is the best place for a nap.
Great-Grandpa Tom and Ruby
This is one of my favorite pictures.
She used to crawl around like this all
the time. Silly girl.
1st Birthday!
I can't find a 2nd birthday picture on
my laptop. Stink. It must be on one
of our flashdrives. Sorry.
Happy 3rd birthday Sweetie!
Happy 4th birthday Princess Ruby!
My Ruby-Doo is 5! I can't
believe it. She looks so cute in
the shirt I made her.
The Birthday Girl this morning after opening
up her gifts from her sisters, mommy and daddy.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Day One hundred and seventy-two
There is a quote from Sunday's sermon that keeps bouncing around in my mind.
"Failure is an event, not a person."
This idea has put totally new thoughts in my head. Thoughts that are trying to take over old thoughts that have been so ingrained in my little grey cells that they think they are facts. How can it be that I am not a failure? How can all the mistakes I make not equal me being a failure?
I fear failure. And yet, it controls me at times. Fear of failure has held me back from making many choices. It has convinced me that I am not capable of accomplishing the things I want to do. It has paralyzed me and has completely taken over my thought processes. It started when I was a little girl and followed me through adolescence, high school, college, marriage, and motherhood. In fact, it has been with me for so long that it would feel strange to let it go. It has wrapped itself around me like a second skin.
It's going to take me awhile to fully think about and sort out what I think and feel about this quote. What do you think? Do you agree or disagree with the quote? Do you have the same relationship with the fear of failure as I do? Have you taken that step to conquer your fear? How did you do it?
Thank you in advance for commenting on this topic. I am really interested in how other people deal with failure. I have always branded myself as a failure at so many things and in so many ways.
"Failure is an event, not a person."
This idea has put totally new thoughts in my head. Thoughts that are trying to take over old thoughts that have been so ingrained in my little grey cells that they think they are facts. How can it be that I am not a failure? How can all the mistakes I make not equal me being a failure?
I fear failure. And yet, it controls me at times. Fear of failure has held me back from making many choices. It has convinced me that I am not capable of accomplishing the things I want to do. It has paralyzed me and has completely taken over my thought processes. It started when I was a little girl and followed me through adolescence, high school, college, marriage, and motherhood. In fact, it has been with me for so long that it would feel strange to let it go. It has wrapped itself around me like a second skin.
It's going to take me awhile to fully think about and sort out what I think and feel about this quote. What do you think? Do you agree or disagree with the quote? Do you have the same relationship with the fear of failure as I do? Have you taken that step to conquer your fear? How did you do it?
Thank you in advance for commenting on this topic. I am really interested in how other people deal with failure. I have always branded myself as a failure at so many things and in so many ways.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Day One hundred and seventy-one
Family birthday party's are the best!! I love having everyone over to help celebrate another year of life for Ruby and Zoe. What a blessing to be able to have 1 great-grandma, 5 grandma's, 4 grandpa's, 4 aunt's, 1 uncle, lots of cousins and family friends all over food, singing and laughter!! We were actually misses quite a few people so you can image how big our "little" gatherings can get.
I found sparkler candles for the girls.
Lot's of fun. Ruby wasn't too sure at first,
but in the end decided it was pretty.
Aunt Sara made Elmo cupcakes for Zoe.
Before eating Elmo.
Not sure why Z insists on making
silly faces these days.
And after.
Notice she only licked part of
the frosting and left the eyes.
Keylee's after face.
Tenzin's Food Tip #3
Who needs a spoon to eat ice
cream when you have fingers?!
Lots of presents.
Great-grandma Judy holding her
10th great-granddaughter.
Sweet Viviette
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