Day Two hundred and forty-five

Yesterday afternoon I came home from seeing my dad; walked in the door saw a house full of streamers and heard "Surprise!! Happy Birthday!!" There in my living room stood my girls, my friend Tiff, her son Ethan, her mom Grandma Kroll, Chris' stepdad, his wife, and Chris' dad. Grace and Addie planned the whole thing~~with Ruby doing what she could to help.

Come to find out the girls had been making plans and phone calls for a couple of days. They talked Tiff into helping them out and keeping their secret. I can't believe they pulled this off without me even knowing what was going on. I guess my mind has been a bit occupied lately.

They invited several people but they waited until yesterday morning to call everyone. Silly girls. They worked so hard to make this special for me. The house was decorated with streamers and Happy Birthday posters and banners. They had help making a birthday cake, lemonade, cheese and cracker trays, and fruit plates.

I am one blessed mommy. You made this birthday so special. I love you Grace, Addie, Ruby and Zoe!!!

Day Two hundred and forty-four

Wordless Wednesday~~This Wednesday is dedicated to my Grandpa Tom. He taught me how to play checkers. He made the yummiest biscuits and gravy, waffles and caramel corn. He taught me the importance of working hard, being early, and always finding something I could be doing to help at work. He lovingly reminded me to listen to my Momma and to be good. He was loving, generous, caring, funny, and just plain wonderful. I miss him a lot.

Grandpa's 85th birthday with his favorite

cake, german chocolate.

Papa and Addie blowing out his candle.

Papa all handsome at Janis' wedding

Walking his Baby down the aisle.

Papa holding Ruby.

Papa's sweet smile.

Grandma recieving Papa's flag at his

funeral.

Thomas Everett Preslar

January 29, 1922-June 29 2009

Day Two hundred and forty-three

I lost it today.

I had just left being with my dad a couple of hours earlier when I called my home voicemail to check messages. The automated lady said I had 2 new messages. Curiously I pushed 1 to play them. My dad's voice was on the other line. "Hi Sam, this is The Old Man, I forgot to do something when you were here."  Then he started singing, "Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday dear daughter. Happy Birthday to you. And I do mean you!" Hearing his weak voice sing to me with as much energy as he could muster brought big tears rolling down my face. It didn't even matter that he had the date wrong; my birthday is Friday. It didn't matter that we had just talked about how my birthday was coming up on Friday or that I had just put up a calendar and showed him what date it was today. All that mattered at that moment was that he remembered. He always calls me on my birthday and sings to me. This will be the last singing call I will receive from him.

I was crying so hard that I could barely see the road. If there was a time that I needed a hug, that was it. I called my friend who lives close to me and tearfully asked if I could come over for a hug. Tiff hugged and cried with me. Her sister Tina was there as well, and made sure I got all the hugs I needed. Thank you both so much. This sad soon-to-be birthday girl feels so blessed to have you nearby.  

Day Two hundred and forty-two

“You, my God, have revealed to Your servant that You will build a house for him. So Your servant has found courage to pray to You. You, LORD, are God! You have promised these good things to Your servant. Now You have been pleased to bless the house of Your servant, that it may continue forever in Your sight; for You, LORD, have blessed it, and it will be blessed forever.” 1 Chronicles 17:25-27

"...being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

"Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; He is the faithful God, keeping His covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love Him and keep His commandments." Deuteronomy 7:9

Today has been a struggle. Not with my dad's health, (he has been stable today) but with a battle in my mind. God has been doing some amazing things in our family, things I never thought would ever happen. And satan has been trying to steal those things away by dumping frustration, doubt, anger and depression on me. The above verses are God's promises that I am going to stand on and believe in. I have to fill my mind with God's word in order to fight back.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring or the rest of the week for that matter. I don't know when God will call my dad home. I just know that God has been and will be with me through all of this. He has worked in amazing ways and has never let me out of His reach. His loving kindness will not fail.

Day Two hundred and forty-one

Any deep thoughts I might have are buried deep within the part of my brain that required energy to get to. I'm lucky to even post on this blog everyday over the past few days.

I miss my hubby. I could really use his arms to hold and comfort me while I bawl my eyes out on his shoulder. There is something so safe about his arms. They gather me in and I feel safe, secure, warm, and comforted. Worries seem to melt away and things feel at peace. My alternative is to hug "Chris" (flat daddy). While it's nice to see his smiling face, the lack of arms, warmth, and reciprocated love really don't do much for me. I guess I will have to wait the 124 more days.

Day Two hundred and forty

Can I just do a ditto from yesterday? Not much has changed, except I am even more tired and I got to eat a real-ish dinner. :) Good night.

Day Two hundred and thirty-nine

Long day. Just got home about 20 minutes ago. Dad is actually pretty stable. He did what he typically does and defied what doctors and hospice nurses expect and was more awake and talkative today than they thought he would be. Granted not all of our conversations made much sense, but he was still trying.

Prayer Requests:
*Sleep for myself and siblings.
*Pain control and less anxiety for my dad.
*Peace of mind for my dad, sister, brother, me and mom.
*I haven't really been able to spend time with my girls the last 2 1/2 days and feel like I am letting them down. They are already under stress from not having daddy and now mommy keeps dropping them off to be watched by others.
*My stress level at worrying about how my girls are doing, where they will be, and making sure I don't use up my 1 truly selfless Grammy and Papa.
*Did I mention sleep?

Day Two hundred and thirty-eight

I can barely keep my eyes open to type. I didn't get much sleep last night and I only just got home 40 minutes ago from being with my dad most of today. He is doing ok-ish. He is heavily medicated due to pain, anxiety etc. We are all glad that he was discharged from the hospital and is back in his room at the hospice facility where he feels comfortable and familiar.

When I left tonight he was sleeping soundly-something he has not done in a long time. His sleep tonight is largely due to the meds. he was given when he got home. We were told by hospice that he will begin to fail pretty quickly and that due to the meds. he will most likely not be up to having many more conversations. That makes the conversation dad and I had this afternoon so special to me. I am so glad that I was able to have the opportunity to spend time with him today. Thank you Taylor (my niece) for watching and loving my girls today and thank you Mom for taking them home, making them dinner and putting them to bed so I could stay with him a bit longer.

While at the hospital this afternoon, I was needing comfort and knowing the best place to look for it, I turned to the Bible. I flipped on my iPod, opened my Bible app and typed in the keyword "comfort".  Don't you just love technology! The first verse that came up was one I honestly never remember hearing. I usually turn to the Psalms at times like these. But 2 Corinthians 1:3-7 grabbed my heart, filled it with peace, and encouraged me. It was like God knew exactly what I needed to hear when I couldn't put it into words to tell Him what I needed. He knows my in-most thoughts and my needs before I do. What a mighty God I serve.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.  For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort." 2 Corinthians 1:3-7

You have searched me, LORD, and You know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; You perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; You are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue You, LORD, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and You lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain." Ps. 139:1-6

Day Two hundred and thirty-seven

I don't have anything for Wordless Wednesday today. Sorry.

My dad fell this afternoon and broke his elbow. He was taken to the hospital and admitted. His break is so bad that they would normally do surgery but his bones are so brittle and porous that they can't. Not only that, but he would probably not make it through because of his poor health. The plan now is to get him as comfortable as possible and see if anything else can be done to help his arm. 

Day Two hundred and thirty-six

The following verse has been on my mind for the last couple of days. I look at it as a promise that the trials and hard times I go through are not in vain. But God is using them as building blocks to a greater, closer relationship with Him. I believe that God only wants what is good for me, but because of the sin that entered into the world through Adam and Eve, Satan has a different plan. In my opinion, the endurance, character, confidence, and hope the verse talks about is just another way God can use what Satan intended for evil to strengthen us and brings us closer to Him.

"Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love." Romans 5:1-5

I heard this song for the first time on Sunday. It really ministered to my aching heart. I love the fact that God will go before us and lead the way. He knows exactly what will happen and has a plan to show Himself to us when and where we need Him.  

Day Two hundred and thirty-five

If you are looking for inspiration, don't read any further. As if you haven't noticed lately I have been short on inspiration and long on self encouragement. Some days it's all I can do to remind myself that God is still in control and that He will give me the strength I need. It's easier to write about it than actually believe it's true. But the more I remind myself of what it says in God's word the deeper it sinks into my heart. Then that truth makes it's way to my brain. My heart tends to accept the truth faster than my mind. While my mind has the annoying habit of dictating my mood. If only they could just get along.
 
"You will not leave in a hurry, running for your lives. For the Lord will go ahead of you; yes, the God of Israel will protect you from behind." Ps. 52:12

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book." Ps. 56:8

Day Two hundred and thirty-four

Chris,
Happy Father's Day to the most amazing Daddy I know. Our girls are so blessed to have you as their daddy. I see in you so many of the characteristics that I wanted in a dad. You are trustworthy, stable, genuine, honest, reliable, loving, protecting, safe, fun and laid back enough to not sweat the small stuff. Seeing our daughters have a daddy like you is a dream come true from me as a little girl. Thank you.

Wish you could have been here today. It felt so weird to wake up and only have your empty pillow to say Happy Father's Day to. Not to be selfish but I really needed you today. Today brought so many emotions and I would have loved your strong arms to hug me. I know that you will be home soon, so I will take a raincheck.

I don't want to torture you by telling you what we had for lunch today in honor of this special day. Let's just say that it was "Famous".  But, I will tell you that we went to Janis' house and ate with, my dad, Jeremy, Leah, ReyAnna, Elah, Tenzin, Viviette, Grandma Judy, Brian, Terra, Taylor, Joslyn, Jerry, Patty, Flat Daddy and of course your 4 beautiful girlies. We all missed your funny quips and dinner prayer.

"You" and Brian relaxed on the couch as he flipped between the College World Series and NASCAR on the big screen. The smile never left "your' face. :)

I love you so much and I hope you feel it everyday.
Sarah

Brian, Jeremiah, "Chris", my Dad

Me and my Dad, Gary.

Day Two hundred and thirty-three

Tonight it felt like I went back in time. I spent the evening with a couple of friends from high school. Tiff & Tina are sisters I have known since my junior year. They are known for their witty sense of humor and the uncanny ability to find a way to make fun of me in any situation. They always make me laugh. 

We played "nertz", as fast paced card game. And for the record I was Victorious!! We watched a few episodes of our favorite show: Agatha Christie's Poirot. I love reading Agatha Christie. Tiff is the one who got me hooked on reading her books. The only thing missing was for them to stay over night and for us to laugh, talk and snack the night away.

Sometimes, I miss being a teenager and the lack of major responsibility that I used enjoy. It's funny, back when I was 17 I thought I was so grown up. In my mind I knew everything. Boy oh boy, was I dumb. I guess if I had to choose between being a teenager with less responsibility and the mom and wife I am today with loads of responsibilities, I would pick the who I am now over and over again. But reliving my youth with great friends from time to time will have to be happening more often.

Thanks for the great evening Tiff and Tina!

Day Two hundred and thirty-two

Tonight, as we were driving home, Ruby asked me, "Where's God?" Being the tired, worn out mom that I am I gave the pat answer, "He's in heaven." She responded with, "Oh. When will He come down here?"  I wasn't expecting that question at all. Before I could even give her an answer she said, "I think He should come down on Father's Day."  That left me speechless. 

I wish I could get into Ruby's head and know what she was thinking when she was asking those questions. I wish I could have given her better answers. How do you explain to a 5 year old the idea of God being everywhere? What I really want her to know is that God is always with her. She doesn't have to be alone. I pray that she will grow to see God as her heavenly Father. A Father who loves her unconditionally forever.

Day Two hundred and thirty-one

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
      Isaiah 41:10

"Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from Him. Truly He is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge." Ps. 62:5-8

"My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life." Ps. 119:50

I know I have posted these verses before, but I needed to be reminded of them today.

Day Two hundred and thirty

Wordless Wednesday~~I took these pictures especially for Chris to show him how much our veggies are growing. I miss you so much Honey! Wish you could be here to see them yourself.

Cucumbers

Tomatoes

Peppers

Here's the fish you painted for me. See

it's on our stove top.

Day Two hundred and twenty-nine

I heard this song again today. The second verse really captures what has been on my mind. I have to keep reminding myself that God is far greater than anything I will have to face. Yet, as big and powerful as He is, He is full of gentleness. I believe that His arms will hold me close, tight enough to protect me.




I have a  prayer request.

My dad is declining rapidly. He changes each time I see him. It is so hard to see him this way. I just want to see him be comfortable and not in pain. Also there are lots of decisions to be made and situations worked through in the near future. Please pray for him in his last weeks and for his family as we have to say good bye. Thank you.

Day Two hundred and twenty-eight

Dear God,

I know You know me. You know my thoughts, my plans, my dreams, my joys, and my hurts. You already know all of the twists and turns my life will take. I love that because You love and know me, Your plan for me is one of peace, growth and hope. You have promised that I will never be alone and You will give me the strength I need. I find reassurance in hiding those promises in my heart.

Right now, I need that reassurance. Please, Father remind my heart, mind and spirit of Your providence in my life. Surround me with Your peace and comfort. Put a protective guard around my heart. I ask for wisdom to know how to handle the decisions that need to be made.

I thank You for Your unfailing love, Your faithfulness, and Your peace that passes all understanding.

In Jesus name Amen

Day Two hundred and twenty-seven

Photo's from yesterday's adventure~~

Ruby and Zoe feeding the goats.

Addie lending a helpful boost.

Zoe watching the penguins.

Grace and butterfly.

The girls riding in the caboose.

Zoe and mommy. I love her smile!

Such a goofy girl.

At the ballgame.

Grace (jean capris and barefoot!) and friend

 Aaron (red baseball cap) running to home plate.

Addie (purple jacket) and friend, Alyssa

(behind her, blond hair) giving Homer a

high-five at home plate.

Day Two hundred and twenty-six

Quick recap~~

Woke up.
Zoe woke up and within 10 minutes was crying for daddy.
Addie and Ruby started fighting. Again.
I hid in my room with the covers over my head.
By 1pm I decided we needed to get out of the house or I wouldn't make it through the day.
Went to the Children's Zoo.
Zoe stopped crying!
Actually enjoyed being with the girls. Everyone was so good.
Didn't want the fun day to end so we decided to go to a Saltdogs baseball game.
We meet up with Grandma M, Papa M, Aunt Janis and Uncle B.
Had a blast.
Saw a couple of friends at the game.
Watched the girls laugh and dance with their sweet friend.
Cheered for the girls as they got to run the bases at the end of the game.
Had a nice quiet ride home.
Put all 4 to bed.
Now it's my turn. Good night.

Day Two hundred and twenty-five

Zoe had a very hard day. She spent most of the morning and early afternoon crying for her daddy. Or "my daddy" as she calls him. Since he left on Sunday, Zoe has been wanting him. Today she hit rock bottom or at least I hope this is her bottom because I don't know what else to do for her. She is needing a "my daddy" fix in a major way. Poor baby. I feel so bad for her and I don't know how to make it all better. She doesn't understand why he is gone or how much longer he will be gone.

After the rough day of trying to calm Zoe down, my night ended with dinner out with a good friend. Thank you Mom/Granny for coming to our house and loving on the girls so I could have a break!! Heaven knows I needed it.

Day Two hundred and twenty-four

This evening at dinner Grace reluctantly said, "Mom, having Dad here was great, but weird. And having him not here feels normal. Isn't that sad."  I knew exactly what she meant and agreed with her.

Please don't get me wrong. I love Chris and Grace loves her dad very much. We were so excited to have him home for the 15 days he was here. During those 15 days we were constantly going and going. We didn't have our normal routine. Let's be honest, we have had to get used to him not being here for over 200 days and then all of the sudden he was here for just a short time. It threw us off. Now we are back in our day-to-day survival mode, our now normal way of life.

I feel so guilty because I am not bawling daily or severely depressed. I think I didn't let myself fully embrace the fact that Chris was home so I won't have to go through withdrawals. Knowing that he wasn't here to stay made it a bit easier when he had to leave. Yes, we cried. Yes, we were very sad. It was just...different.

A friend reminded me that this will be the last "good-bye" of the deployment we will have to say. The next time we see each other it will be to say, "Welcome Home for Good!!" I sincerely can't wait for October to get here. I am ready for my family to be all together again.

I don't know if I made any sense with all of this. Sometimes it's hard to explain the things in my head into words that truly reflect what I am thinking. I'm not very good with words sometimes.   

Day Two hundred and twenty-three

Wordless Wednesday~~This and That

Jerm, Me, and Chris

My favorite brother and my favorite hubby

My brother's favorite sister and Jerm

My little container garden.

3 types of tomatoes, 2 types of peppers

 and a cucumber plant.

I finally planted flowers in the front bed.

Nothing special yet.

An accidental picture. Turned out pretty good.

My 89 year old Grandma and my sister.

They both are so beautiful!

Day Two hundred and twenty-two

I honestly feel like I am out of words today. I don't really know how I feel or what I think. I can't decide if I'm really doing ok or if I'm just numb. After crying as I drove away from the airport on Sunday, I really haven't had many emotions. Maybe it's God's amazing strength or I'm avoiding feeling anything. As if avoiding will change my circumstances.

Not sure where to go from here. More prayer, more time with God, and some more prayer.

"For You are my hiding place; You protect me from trouble. You surround me with songs of victory." Ps. 32:7

Day Two hundred and twenty-one

We made it through our first full day after Chris left. It felt weird. Like something was missing. It wasn't has horrible as I thought it would be. We actually adjusted ok. God is so good and His faithfulness is constant!

Chris called during dinner to tell us that he has made it safely to Kuwait. What a relief to hear his voice and know he is ok. I'm praying for his continued safety and traveling mercies until he reaches his base. I love you babe!

"But in my distress I cried out to the Lord; yes, I prayed to my God for help. He heard me from His sanctuary; my cry to Him reached His ears." Ps. 18:6

 "And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from His glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

Day Two hundred and twenty

I really don't know what to say. I had to say good-bye/see ya later to my hubby today. The girls had to give their last hugs (until October) to their daddy. We all cried. We will all miss each other very much.

Right after we left the airport, the girls and I went to church. I needed to be there. I needed to go and worship and pour out myself to the One who gives me strength. As I was worshipping, God reminded me of His mighty power, His endurance that never ends, and His unfailing strength. I went seeking His comfort and He showed me His dominion over all circumstances. It's because of His great power that He can give me the strength I need to make it through the day. I love how God knows just what I need even when I don't.

I took photo's this morning of Chris and his girls. I think they turned out pretty sweet.

Ok, maybe this one's not sweet.

Funny, not sweet.

Day Two hundred and nineteen

It's our last night together until October. I don't want this night to end. I can't do this again.

"It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure." Ps. 18:32 

"But you, LORD, do not be far from me. You are my strength; come quickly to help me."
Ps. 22:19

"But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble." Ps. 59:16

 "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Ps 73:26

Day Two hundred and eighteen

Change of plans.....

No date night for me tonight. It was a though call but Chris and I felt that it was the right decision. We haven't been home very much since he got here and the girl's are really struggling with Daddy leaving their sight. Grace and Addie started to complain about me going on 2 dates with him while they only got 1. The idea of spending the whole day and night at home as a family felt like the right choice.

Embarrassing as it is, I have to confess that I haven't really been cooking since Chris got home. We have either eaten out, just grilled or been at family or friends house's. Tonight I made Chris one of my and Grace's new favorite meals. Pasta a la Betsy~~from the Pioneer Woman. It's an amazing pasta dish with shrimp and homemade creamy tomato sauce. Yum-O!! It felt so nice to sit at our table and eat with just the 6 of us.

I'm praying that tomorrow goes extremely slow. I'm not ready for his leave to be done.

Day Two hundred and seventeen

I can't believe it's already Thursday night. Where has our time gone? We only have 2 more nights together after tonight. I keep trying to think positive and just enjoy our time we have as a family. But how can I not think about the dreaded day of his departure back to base far away from me. At least we get one more date night before he leaves.

Speaking of dates, Chris and Addie had a fun little date today. They went to Paint Yourself Silly and out for lunch. She got to pick what they did and they had a great time. Tomorrow is Grace's turn.

Poor Zoe doesn't get an actual date but Daddy put up her sandbox and filled it with new sand. She is going to love it! Besides since he has been home she is rarely out of his site or arms. All day all we hear is "My daddy! Where's my daddy? My daddy!!"

Day Two hundred and sixteen

Wordless Wednesday~~Our Great Park Pursuit. We conquered 8 out of the 20 impressions  in 2 days. We traveled to Wahoo, Pawnee Lake, Seward, York, Hastings, Kearney, Gibbon, and Central City. We spent lots of time in the van together and saw lots of fun things.

My Clue Hunters

Our first nature impression.

Here's what we went looking for.

Sister's

My girls.

Our 2nd impression.

Daddy and Grace

Ruby and daddy

Addie found a goldenrod, our state

flower.

Zoe and mommy

Daddy was rarely empty-handed.

He always had at least one kid

in his arms, back or shoulders.

Daddy and his princesses.

The World's Largest Time Capsule.

Swinging Sister's

 Our 3rd impression, Zoe's turn.

Our 4th impression

Time for a slide break!

Zoe found a frog and really wanted to hold it.

Our 5th stop.

And our 5th impression.

Gracie

Our 6th impression.

At our 6th marker.

Chris: A self-portrait

Our 7th impression.

Our 7th stop also had

a fun water park. 

We have fun and

shivered at the same time.

No pictures, to wet and windy.

Our 8th impression.

I love this flower. Wish I

knew what it was called.

All tuckered out.

Even the big girls fell

asleep on the way home.