I've had a lot on my mind these last few days. So many thoughts; random, connected, rational, unreasonable, reflective and absurd. I'm just going to start typing and see where things go.
As I have posted in the past, my dad is terminally ill with stage 4 liver cancer. He was working and functioning pretty close to normal when Chris left in October. In February, things started going down hill due to an increase in pain and tumor growth. A few weeks ago my siblings and I moved him into a hospice facility. While we all help out in doing what we can to help him, I have been given the responsibility (by him) to manage his financial things. I have had to take over his checkbook~~actually I needed to because it was such a wreck and he was getting confused. I need to make sure his bills are up to date and that they stay up to date. Meanwhile, as I am trying to make sense of his money issues, he is trying so hard to stay in control of them. This has made for a very difficult transition period.
It's so hard to see a parent not being able to do the things they used to be able to do. It's hard to be treated like a little child when I am the mother of 4. It's hard to be given so much responsibility but still not be trusted. It's hard to watch a parent mentally and phycially deteriorate. It's hard not to know if their behavior is due to that deterioration, their high doses of medicine to ease their pain, or just their true self coming out. It's hard not to have an overwhelming sense of love for a person who is your father because of the rough past you lived through. It's hard to have my dad call me no less than 10x a day because he gets obsessed over things. It's hard to follow God's call to honor our parents.
I know there are not very many people who can understand "the why" behind the reasons I feel the way I do. It has been really challenging to not let that fact bother me. I have to keep reminding myself that the only one I have to answer to is The One.
Dear God,
I am praying for strength. Big God-sized strength to get through this time with my dad. Father God, You have always been with me and protected me. You know my past and You know what my future will bring. Thank you for Your overflowing mercy towards me, because I now have some to give. In Your precious name, Amen
And holy cow!! That is only a small snipet of what has been going on in my mind. I wish I could take a vacation from my brain from time to time.
Sarah,
ReplyDeleteJust know that I am thinking about you and praying for you today. I'm sorry honey that you are struggling so much and that Chris is not here with you right now to help you get through this. God is here for you and all your friends, we are here for you. I do understand what you are going through as this is what I went through with my father's mental illness and then when he was diagnosed with colon cancer. The only advice I can give you is to give as much as you can to God-the things you physically can't do and make sure that you take care of yourself because so much worry and stress and make you sick as well. And nobody needs that, honey. Your girls still need you. I know that it is difficult with so much responsibility, but if there is anything you can delegate to someone else, do so. If not, take many moments to pray when you feel you can't handle it all. God will get you through. Love you so much.