**Warning~~I am an emotional wreck so the following post will be raw and a bit depressing. So if you're not wanting to go there, please do not read~~**
I am sure there are some people who may be thinking that too many of my posts have been real bummers . All I have to say is--this is just my real life with my real emotions.
Today has been a really hard day for me. There's not a big reason why, but lots of little ones. One example this morning, I was trying to figure out our bills and was having trouble logging onto a certain website. I didn't have the right email address and password it wanted. Usually I would just ask Chris to help me. He would come over and take a look, figure it out, and I would move on and finish what I started. Not so much today. It's stupid or minor to some people but to me it was just another reminder that things are not easy anymore. In order to get the info I need I have to sent Chris a Facebook message or an email. Hope he has the chance to read it and then wait for about 12 hours (on a good day) to get a response. All that for a 5 second answer.
Speaking of bills. I am not normally the one who does the finances. We talk about them every month but Chris does all the nitty-gritty stuff. Before he left he sat me down and showed me everything. He even wrote up a few cheat sheets for me. That has helped a lot! But different things keep popping up that I don't know what to do with. I am so used to asking him for his opinion or guidance or his help. I can't just go in the next room and ask him or pick up the phone and call him.
I am so not made to be alone. I hate that I've only got to talk to my husband for maybe 10 minutes at a time for the last few days. 10 minutes!! Most of that is spent asking him my dumb questions and telling him how the girls are doing. I am thankful that I have those 10 minutes, don't get me wrong. But it's so hard going from being able to talk to him whenever I wanted to, to having to wait for him to have the chance to call me and then having to share his 20 minute time limit with our kids.
People keep reminding me that each day that we go through is just bringing us closer to having Chris home. I am fully aware of that fact. Deep down I know that is true. But it is so hard to meet each new day when I am dreading it so much because I miss him dearly. Grace told me that she wished could hibernate like a bear until dad comes home. I want to be like Sleeping Beauty and let the world go on while I sleep and wait for my prince to come and wake me up with a kiss. I just want it to all be over.
A few posts back I wrote about making the decision to grow closer to Chris and how that decision meant having a broken heart while he is gone. Well, this heart is broke. I wouldn't change my decision for anything, but it sure stinks!
I can't imagine how much harder this whole journey would be if I didn't have Christ in my life. Yes, things are hard but they are not impossible. Listen up head I am talking to you! The peace I do feel is totally from God. The freedom I have to go to Him to vent and cry out without feeling judged is amazing. Why not just spill it? He knows what I am feeling anyway. Does He fix everything or make everything peachy keen? Nope. But He makes it bearable and I don't have to go through it alone. His promises to be with me, to strenghten me in tough times, and to never leave me or forsake me. Just knowing that He is right there for me gives me the hope and perserverance I need to make it through each day.
He will do the same for you. Just talk to Him. Tell Him what's on your mind. Ask Him to come and fill your heart with His presence. Admit to Him that "hey I don't have it all figured out. I've screwed up." Christ will then come and make His home in your heart. He will begin to fill those places that are empty and lonely. He will meet you right where you are. You don't have to be perfect or try to make yourself worthy before you talk to Him. If that were the case, I would still be a long way off. His grace, mercy and forgiveness is a gift to you. All you have to do is reach out and accept it.
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."
2 Corinthianss 12:9
"But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved....For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast."
Eph 2:4, 8-9
Oh sarder~ God is good! He is faithful his love and mercies are new every morning!He is far more patient and kind and understanding than we will ever be or expect to be.He will sustain us more than any blog,post,book,status,call,email,tv show,song..He is real He is our All.Yet i know these roads are long and rough..So, the other night with static and 1100 miles between us i called my hubby and said."I told God, Im done, Im off the team,I want a sub,take these,broken cars,no heat,no oven,bills,no $ for bills,teenage drama,life,its yours.cant do it any more! You will have to find a new player.." well needless to say my team mate offered these not so loving but truthful words..well...maybe God is trying to tell you that He needs just a little more from you! More running, more lifting, more digging down a lot more of Him and lot less of me..
ReplyDeleteurr...(small urrrr)must have been a bad connection i thought:) You know you hear it all the time "God only give us what we can handle"Trust me that usually comes from someone with a flat tire or who just lost their dog...But wait,that is their desert, their mountain,their broken cars,broken oven,broken hearts. ok now for some encouragement..
O Lord, how long will you forget me?Forever? How long will you look the other way? Psalm 13:1
1.Being honest with God about our feelings is our first step toward victory.
Through prayer we can express feelings and talk out our problems with God.He helps us gain the right perspective and this gives us peace.
Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines,though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food,though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord,I will be joyful in God my savior. Habakkuk 3:17-19
2.Real trust doesnt give up.
David often felt God was slow to act on his behalf,we often feel the same impatience. It seems evil and suffering go unchecked and we wonder..Hello God when is this going to stop?But David affirmed he would continue to trust God no matter how long he had to wait.Jesus turned around and said to her, "daughter,be encouraged! Your faith has made you well." And the woman was healed at that moment.Matt 9:22
3.Gods absolute sovereignty is one reason to never give up.
sometimes we are tempted to give up on people,situations,teenagers,young adults,puking babies,dinner,bills,cars,loneliness,life..God can change what seems unchangeable,giving new purpose and hope.
Though our bodies are dying,our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are quite small and wont last very long.Yet they produce for us an immeasurably great glory that will last forever! 2 Cor 4:16-17
4.Giving up often causes us to miss the best God has to offer.
its easy to quit! Rather than quitting when persecution wore him down, Paul concentrated on experiencing the inner strength from the holy spirit.
Dont let fatigue,pain or criticism force you off the job. Renew your commitment to serving Christ.Dont forsake your eternal reward because of the intensity of todays pain! Our very weakness allows the resurrection power of Christ to strengthen us moment by moment by screaming child, by grumbling 10 yr old,by lonely nights,by bills ,by no $ for bills,no by oven, no cars.. moment by moment.
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being,so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.And I pray that you,being rooted and established in love,may have power together with all the saints,to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God! Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine,according to his power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen..
k..bye..gotta go to practice.love u
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wow Janis. thank you. I sit here in a puddle while feeling God speak to me thru you both. Sarah, you are stronger thank you think. Dont be so hard on yourself girl. You both are blessed to have one another. keep leaning and sharpening each other.... you never know when your struggles & triumphs are touching another person, right where they are at, with the gentle, loving, raw spirit of Christ. thank you. thank you both. <3 hugs (bens)dani bretz
ReplyDeleteThanks Dani.
ReplyDelete