Sunday's have proven to be hard days for me. I wake up and just feel different. It becomes more evident on Sunday's that my life is different. Sunday's are for family. While I still have my 4 sweet girls, we are not complete without Chris.
I was feeling especially down this morning. Chris tried Skyping us but his connection was really bad (again) and we only had a few minutes of conversation. Even though that happens all the time, it got to me today and I started crying. I just wanted to talk to him. You know, have a normal conversation. God heard me crying and soon after my cell phone rang and Chris was on the other line loud and clear and with no delay.
You would think that after being able to talk to Chris I would be thankful, happy and content. Nope. I am selfish and greedy. I want more. I want him home. I fell deeper into despair. Deeper into self pity. Whoa is me. And here I thought that getting through the first 100 days would make things better. Easier. I was wrong. (again)
So there I was, in the van, driving to church when I heard this song.
I've heard this song a few times before but today these words spoke to me.
"...Why are you crying? Let Me lift up your face. Just don't turn away....
Cause I'll be by your side wherever you fall. In the dead of night whenever you call.
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you. MY hands are holding you.
...Cause I love you. I want you to know that I, I love you. I'll never let you go!"
I feel like I do fight God's hands. I fight His plans by trying to force my own. But in God's grace and mercy He gently says "Sarah, I have you. I have you right in My hands and I know this journey is hard. But no matter what I am with you. Trust in Me."
Oh, Lord please help me to listen to Your voice. Let Your words sink deep into my heart and become set in my mind. Amen.
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